At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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