A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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