i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
