I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
