dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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