glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize