You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
