So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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