She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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