My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
