I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
