I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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