three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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