I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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