Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
