why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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