Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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