I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
