it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
