got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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