Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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