getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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