I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize