my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
