Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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