I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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