he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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