I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
