I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize