Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize