is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
