he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
