literally had 100 drinks last night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
