am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
