yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
