I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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