Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
