If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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