I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I didn't notice because vodka
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
