I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
