The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize