i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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