Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
