I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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