I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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