Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
