Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
