i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
