You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize