You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
