I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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