You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
