he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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