the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
