nut hugger
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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