Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize