One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
