masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
