I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Still dying that you shit outside
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
