At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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