He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
