this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize