tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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