I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
