the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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