I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize