Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
